lousy

it had been so long, so long that i’ve grew really tired about it. even as i’m typing this, i’m also trying hard to fight against the anger that i have with myself for falling back to you. it’s a dark feeling like being lock up in a pitch-dark cell struggling and screaming for freedom. i had clearly told myself to let it go during the 2 months in china. and when i was about to dash out of that dark room gasping for hopes and brighter future, you appeared with all the sweet talking about how you start to like me and things like that. it’s a mistake that the first thought in my mind was to believe you. i can’t deny that you have shown exceptional concern for me during the first 3 weeks after i came back. but soon, you got sick of me. we drifted. and i don’t see you making any effort in talking to me anymore. nothing can be more heart-breaking to see you gave that forced and faint smile when you walked past. i would rather you not smile at all.. is so fake. when i asked about your hot-and-cold attitude, you said it would only be natural this way if things gonna work out. but at the same time, it is so fucking unfair to left me hanging and feeling depressed. you knew that though.
but, you’re still obsessed in the past that holds you down even deeper and darker. i ain’t no fool. you didn’t like me at all. your heart still belongs somewhere, and only you know where it is. please don’t try to change me into her, nor to turn me into someone with similar qualities. take me for whoever i am. if you really like me and is willing to try things out, please be sincere. but you can tell me too, whether you’re getting sick of me or what. let’s stay as friends your answer is the latter, i think it’s better off like that. we doesn’t suit each other, and i believe we can eventually find someone that loves us more. i doesn’t know how long i can hold my emotions, mentally i may just collapse. and all i can say is, you’ll never be able to understand how much i’ve gone through for you.